aviation jokes

[fester]

I found this on the internet. It may not make sense to people who have nothing to do with aviation but believe me if you fix helicopters or Airplanes they're hilarious.


Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (My favorite)


(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit


(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for (I've actually written this one)


(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

__________________________________________________ ________

(P) Sounds like mouse in cockpit

(S) Installed cat

__________________________________________________ ________

(P) Sounds like midget with hammer in flight control closet

(S) Took hammer from midget

[claydirt]

Good job, very funny!

[WebFisher]

Hilarious! I can remember some pilots actually writing those up when I was in the USAF...

Here's one that ties in to one above

P= Radio does not work in OFFICIAL mode (OFF)
S = Short between the headsets. Swapped out cockpit suit insert. Op check good.

[warpedx]

Oh the trouble calls I responded to when I was maintaining almost every piece of equipment in the Helo Direction Center on my old ship.
The radar isn't spinning!
See that "ON" button over there?

There is no video on the screen!
Did you turn the "Video Intensity" knob?

The greatest one of all came from CIC, where secondary navigation is based.
They view one of our surface search radars, and called us down due to "blotches of video that wouldn't go away."
Sure enough, there were some large objects on the screen that showed up sweep after sweep, and moved independently from the ship.
A quick check with the chart next to the display verified they were ISLANDS.

[SirRod]

Thoes are funny...
My Nefue was just in iraq a few months back, he was a crew chief on Chnook's. USArmy...

[needmorecowbell]

Those are great. Well I fix radios not airplanes in the Air Farce.

Most people complain their radio doesn't work when its in the OFF position.

I had a Crewchief drop his radio, then ran over it with his vehicle, turned it in for repair because it wouldn't change channels anymore. Really?

[Werewolf]

Those are good. Here's one for you:

Q: How do you know there's an Apache pilot at the party?
A: He'll tell you.

I think those guys can be found in every cockpit.

[gfgjester]

Yo, Fester,

Fallon back from LST-boot and in shop yesterday. Still stuck on Blackhawking... Still stuck on super-ranger, too! Indecision on whether or not to go to NG or full-time at graduation. I told her she better talk to you, since you turn the wrenches on the damn things and could likely give the better viewpoint...

Sorry for the temp-hijack, guys... It really IS on topic, y'all just don't have the whole pic...

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

[WebFisher]

Note to would be pilots: It takes a college education to break the planes, but only a G.E.D. to fix them...

[crooked butt doctor]

yeah we have those posted up at maintenance control. i fix the engines and fuel systems on F-18A+s. it sucks, and yes the pilots write up some ridiculous crap.