Military Funnies!

[gfgjester]

The Dawg strikes again!

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, 'Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.'
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, ' Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.'
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ' Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 'Yours is.'
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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do you want?' 'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'
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Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'
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An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!' The sergeant turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.' 'Not me, Chief!' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'
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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
'You 'have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Zen, you should know enough to 'have your passport ready for inspection.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. You Americans always 'have to show your passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

[MrWizard]

Makes me miss Readers Digest Humor in Uniform section .....

[SirRod]

Jes thoes are priceless...The Gunny and the two Admirals was great!!!! LOL Big Smile

[ItalianAnaconda]

Nothing like good military humor.

[warpedx]

Can't beat the French customs!

[Dracula53]

Military rules, by Service

Discussion Board on this Military Joke


Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet ­ even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.


US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.


US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

[ItalianAnaconda]

Dude I love the Air Force rules lol. Unfotunately not all apply to me. Mainly the one about the base being far from conflict lol. It is pretty close.

Ah good oh death by power point. I just had to read a 57 slide one that talked about hazardous material. To be honest. I just scrolled to end lol.